Down With the Sphincter

Dear Heinz,

Hasn’t this gone on long enough? How much longer will you torment ketchup lovers with this horrible EZ-Squirt sphincter nonsense? For the past few years, I’ve been alone, or so I thought, in denouncing the sphincter and all it represents. I’ve ruined unthinkable numbers of burgers and french fries under a deluge of mis-squirts! Have resorted to using knives or whatever was handy to spread around your tomato goodness! I’ve cursed and wished ill will upon it’s inventors. I’ve had wonderful dreams of horrible disasters befalling your bottle engineering and testing facilities.

Every time I complain about your abomination of a squeeze bottle to anyone that will listen, I get similar reactions: “You’re over exaggerating”, they say. “It’s not that big a deal”, they dismiss. “It prevents the nozzle from getting all crusted up and disgusting”, they argue. “Maybe it’s so you use more of it!”, they rarely concede. “Are you crazy?”, they ask. Well, enough is enough! In the name of all that is Tomatoish, stop this cruel joke on humanity and get rid of the sphincter!

I’ve tried switching brands only to find the cursed bottle again and again. Of course! You bottle all the ketchup in the world and just slap different logos over top.

Now I know that I am not alone! Behold! And an actual complaint complete with your obligatory customer service stone-walling, skirting around the real issue!

Kindest regards,

Ketchup Lover